Thoughts, feelings, and other girly emotions

Long ago, I determined that I would save this blog for baseball thoughts only. I didn't want to be one of those people who put all her emotions and innermost feelings out for the world to see. But due to recent circumstances in my life, I have begun to rethink things, and I want to put it out here for all of the world to see.

I'm 35 years old. I don't think that's old, but maybe it is. I have begun to notice the birthdays on baseball rosters and there are usually only a handful of players older than me. Maybe not even a handful on some teams. So that means that everyone on their team has achieved his goal at an age much younger than mine.

I have three bachelor's degrees: Bible, English with a writing emphasis, and Psychology. I got a great education in those three areas, as well as in speech, which I more than minored in. But none of those degrees will get me a job in that field.

I'm in graduate school, and in May I will have a master's degree in counseling and hopefully be a Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor. I will be competing against thousands of other people with that same license for mainly government jobs, jobs that are becoming fewer with America's failing economy.

I taught for eleven years and work as a paraprofessional in a school now. I don't think I will ever teach again. I'm not qualified and I was only okay at it. I think I had moments where I inspired students, but I mainly just inspired them to love baseball, and that was not part of the curriculum. I don't think I instilled a love of reading or writing or speaking or acting in my students, although I think I helped cultivate the interests of kids who already did those things. Maybe I helped them get better at those things, but I think mainly I wasted a lot of time.

So I thought about passion. I am probably one of the most passionate people anyone will ever meet. And I thought about talent. I have some of that. And it made me wonder if there were ways to combine my passions and talents into something I could do for a living.

What am I most passionate about? Jesus. That was not a swear. I am literally the most passionate about Jesus. But I don't ever want to make a career of that. I want that to be my life, not my job.

Secondly, I am most passionate about baseball. Third, people. Fourth, movies. Fifth, writing. Sixth, acting.

You are probably thinking, Write a baseball movie about cool people that you can act in! But I am not talented in that area of writing. I get bored of my own fiction, so I assume others will be bored with it, too.

No, I need to work in an area where I am consumed with baseball, because the bottom line is, it consumes me anyway. It makes me happy. It makes everything bad go away. My friend Mark said to me last night, "I have always had baseball. When I am at any game, everything seems right in the world. It's the one thing I never get sick of."

I am not passionate about counseling. I am passionate about people, and I think I have good insight into the goings on of a person, but that's only because I am a really good listener. And I came to the conclusion that, tens of thousands of dollars later, and so many sleepless nights cramming for exams and writing papers later, I don't want to be a counselor for the rest of my life. I think it will depress me.

So I'm wondering, what do I do with my life? Do I try to become an usher at a Cubs game? Do I do the job I'm trained in, or at least look for a job I'm trained in? How can I work in baseball for a living?

Someone tell me.