Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Who am I anymore?

My life motto can best be summed up by this clip from "Fever Pitch." But lately, I admit, I am spending less time at the fields of my dreams.

I have heard a lot of questions since the season started about my lower participation in baseball shenanigans. I guess it is very different. It is almost June, and I have yet to visit my beloved Wrigley or my also loved Miller Park. The only White Sox games I've been to have been Twins games, and I even skipped one of them this year. I am not getting autographs. I haven't even looked at my stack of cards and I haven't bought anything to get signed in a while.

Let's go back 5 years to 2012, when Angela and I basically lived at Wrigley. That was a glorious time. I gotta say, that summer is still the best summer of my life. I was actively meeting players, hanging out with them, meeting their families. It was surreal. I had more autographs than I knew what to do with of players more talented than I understood at the time. Angela and I made friends that year that continue to be our friends today.

But the thrill of autographs is almost gone. Chicago autograph hounds are basically the worst ones in the world. And I am only saying that because of all the stadiums I have been to, only Milwaukee graphers are more annoying. Players have told me it is worse here than anywhere else. So I admit that I feel like a doofus standing there, an adult, asking another adult to sign a baseball card. I've gotten most of the big names. Now, unless it's someone I really like, I just feel meh about it.

Do I love baseball less now? Not even close. I love it more than ever. I believe in its healing powers and beauty and majesty. But I admit it feels different. I don't really want to go to a Cubs game. I think about the traffic, the parking, the expense of the ticket, how crowded it is now--and mostly the fact that I would be going alone. I don't want to spend a lot of money to sit by strangers when I could hang out with people I enjoy. Plus, the Cubs have won their championship. It felt good and I was proud. But now EVERYONE is a Cubs fan, and it feels cheap. Not the tickets. Just the feeling.

I love going to Sox games--it's close to home, easy to get to, cheap, comfortable, and I always have someone to spend time with there, as my friend Laura and her mom have season tickets and literally never miss a game, for almost 700 games now. But it's harder and harder to get time off work, and other responsibilities and hobbies and people have taken up extra time, so my baseball time is limited.

I work in Adult Protective Services and run the Will County, IL, branch. We investigate allegations of abuse of adults 60 and older and all adults with disabilities. It sounds fancy, but really, it's a lot of hard work, generally 60+ hours a week of paperwork and signing off on forms, and now, with the influx of abuse cases, I am carrying a small caseload myself. If I take off work, someone might continue to get abused. Someone might die. So I have a hard time using days off when we are so busy. It's hard to even leave early, even knowing my hours are way overboard. I have never excelled at a work/life balance, although the last couple years I was doing much better at the life part. Now I just think of all the extra work it will create if I am gone, of the additional burden on staff if I am gone. So I generally stay. This Friday I had planned to leave work early to hit the Sox double-header, but we have a budget crunch I need to attempt to resolve, so I will probably be here.

Church isn't really an issue. I go to a church that has a Saturday evening service and three Sunday services. But now Sundays I enjoy visiting shut-ins at the nursing homes with my mom. They look forward to our visit, as I look forward to seeing them. It's hard to explain--they aren't my grandparents. But I really adore them. I also know we are the only visitors most of them ever have. How can I skip that for the six months of the baseball season?

And then there is my boyfriend. He doesn't like baseball really at all, so he has no interest in going to games. And even though I am fine spending time apart from him, weekends are my only times to see him, as we work opposite schedules during the week. Saturday day games are easy--he is usually shooting at the range or at a gun show--but Saturday night games, when he is free, I have a hard time choosing baseball. One night I was on my way to Sox Park, and he called, wanting to go for a motorcycle ride, and I went to his house instead, because that sounded more fun.

More fun. What could be more fun than baseball? Not much, but hanging out with someone who I am quite smitten with and who enjoys me sounds wonderful. I do wish he loved, or even liked baseball, but he doesn't. So I am stuck choosing. And often, I will choose him. Just as I now choose family events I used to skip, and HIS family events. I feel like I am living a more balanced life, getting more sleep, eating more healthy, etc.




This is the biggest difference: In 2012, I needed baseball. I couldn't breathe without it. It kept me alive when I wanted to die and it gave me something to look forward to. I'd lost my beloved job and most of my friends. I had to move back home to Indiana. But I could always count on baseball to carry me. And now...well, I just don't need it anymore. I'm healed from the hurt of that horrible time in my life and baseball gets all the credit.  But I loved it before 2012 and I still love it, the way you love an old friend that you don't get to see much anymore. When we reunite, it's as if no time has passed and I feel so comfy and at home. But I can also walk away and feel okay about it.



This is the new me. It's weird. Don't hate me.