I've learned a few things about grief and grieving in the last couple months. I'm not an expert by any means, but there are some things I have learned that I'd like to share.
1. Don't fight the emotion. When my dad died, I didn't want my family or co-workers or friends to think I was a mess, so I did whatever it took to not cry or not be angry or whatever random emotion I felt at the time. I cracked jokes and went to work like it was no big deal. I concentrated so hard on trying to act a certain way that I was barely functioning. When Ian died, I just lost it, and I let myself lose it most of the time, even though I was worried that my mom would think I was a wimp or I would be upsetting my sister more. I took a week off work and I spent time with my family and just accepted that he was dead and it was real and I needed to just feel it. I still fight the emotions, but I am starting to let go. The more I let the emotions out, the longer periods of time I feel better. If people can't handle that, who cares? That's their problem.
2. Most people are terrible at helping people through grief---or so I thought at first. People kept saying, "I know how you feel," and I wanted to punch them in the throat, because they did NOT know how I felt. I didn't even know how I felt. People annoy me when they don't ask about the person I lost, and they annoy me when they do (there's a quote about this in my favorite movie, Moonlight Mile, that makes way more sense to me now). But after my initial annoyance, I found that most people were just trying really really hard to make me feel better. And the ones that helped the most were the ones who shared their own grief with me because I could see that they went through this and they survived. People I barely knew wrote me the most touching notes. I think it was hardest for my closest friends to help because my grief had transformed me into a weirdo they didn't know how to handle. So I learned that I needed to accept everyone's attempts to make me feel better unless they started to make me feel worse. And even though I always feel awkward when someone loses a loved one, I have learned that it's more important that I make an attempt to show I care. Even if I do a terrible job of support, I am trying, and they will eventually appreciate it.
3. People can be mean and uncaring FOR REAL. There are those who want you to be over it in a certain amount of time and never talk about it again, as if you will wake up on Day 3, yawn, stretch, and be over it. Maybe they feel that way because they lost someone and they got over it quickly, so they think everyone should. How dare they? To be fair, most of the people who are uncaring about grieving have never lost anyone. They can't understand the way it feels to relive that loss every morning when you wake up to find out it WASN'T all a nightmare. Grief is different for everyone. When someone loses a loved one, and that person calls into work, it is NOT okay to give them a list of things to do before they are allowed to start grieving. So that is when it is okay to just turn off your phone and computer and say FORGET them. If you are grieving, work should be on the bottom of your list of priorities. The first time I went through it, I did all my work stuff, even though I had a supervisor telling me to stop and just not work. The second time, I just turned off my phone. I didn't feel bad about it at all. And you shouldn't either. I've watched other people grieve and say stuff on facebook and have been astounded at the ignorant, callous things people have said. Thankfully, my facebook friends have been openly supportive, and their words of encouragement meant the world to me. If you are grieving, you can't give someone a time limit, an end-time to your grief. Sorry, people. It will be messy. Grief isn't pretty. You have to figure out a new way to live, a way to face life without a person you love. It doesn't happen overnight.
4. Never give up hope. My hope is in the Lord. I trust that He has a purpose in all that happens. I believe that everything that happens is under his control. Do I know why he spared my life and not Ian's? Do I think it's because I'm better than him? No to both. Quite the opposite. But I trust that this is all a part of something much bigger than me and my finite understanding. I trust God's plan. It is the only thing that has kept me going through all of this. I know not all of you believe in God, and I don't know how you handle anything in life without that belief. But that is how I do it. People have said that I am strong, but I'm not. I'm depressingly weak, but He is strong.
5. Weird things help. Baseball helped. It helped to tell baseball players that my dad died, and that baseball had always been something we shared. Movies and books helped because I could escape into a fake world for a little while. Looking at photos and reading notes and listening to voicemails may have been a bad idea but they helped in the moment. Is it better to pretend the loved one never existed? I don't think so, at least not for me. Let yourself do what you need to do, as long as you are not hurting anyone else. And, by the way, if you do blame someone or have a grudge concerning the loved one lost, don't bring it up. It's never okay to hurt someone else just because you're hurting, too. That is called bullying.
6. If your friend is grieving, just be there for them. Yes, like I mentioned earlier, you may say all the wrong things, but you will be there, and they will know that, and it will mean more to them than you know. There were times when I was waiting to hear from just one of my close friends, and for whatever reason, they didn't check in. I just wanted to be reminded that they cared. Irrational, maybe, but so much about grieving is irrational and emotions are out of control. It helps to hear from your friends. Maybe don't ask about all the details--they'll tell you when they want to. Don't be nosy--just be there. You won't do everything right, but you won't do everything wrong, either.
I hope this helps you, but if it doesn't, it helped me to write it.
