Yesterday I fell at Wrigley. No, not fell. I slipped, hardcore, feet flew out from under me and I fell flat on my back. It was sort of embarrassing, but more funny than embarrassing. My backpack saved my back. Don't get me wrong--I am all kinds of sore today. But I stayed home most of the day, thinking about stuff. It's been a rough couple weeks. A relationship that never could quite get off the ground ended with a thud last week. Then my car died, maybe forever. And some other stuff not suitable for this blog (although, really, none of this is suitable). And then I fell. And I began to realize some things about the other things.
1. Relationship: I usually make terrible choices when it comes to men. This one seemed like a good choice, and I say that because I thought I knew him. But really, I sabotaged everything. I couldn't trust him, even though he never gave me a reason to think he was untrustworthy. And I realized I couldn't trust him because I just didn't think I was good enough for him, so I expected him to be always looking for something better. Why would he want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust him? Earlier this year, he told me he didn't want to date anyone because he wanted to focus on his career, and I accepted that. I should've fought for what I wanted. But I didn't think I was worth fighting for. I think at some point, I need to shake off all the lies I've believed about myself and realize that I'm a pretty cool chick. If someone else who's pretty cool thinks I am, too, I need to just accept it. I have to allow people to like me, to love me. Maybe the rest of my life I will feel bad about the way I handled this relationship, how the rug felt pulled out from under me, but maybe I will find someone else who will make me so glad this didn't work out. I'll get over it like I always do, but, more importantly, I will learn from it. And when I look at who he decided to be with, who he apparently felt would not sidetrack his career, I feel okay about not being with him if that's the kind of person who makes him happy. It's someone I could never be.
2. Cars: I hate them. HATE them. And they stress me out. But in the end, I just have to accept that I need one to live. And while I love my jobs, not having a car is a bad option when you have to drive four hours a day round trip to your places of employment. I don't make the kind of money where it's worth that drive. So, really, I need to start seriously looking at finding employment near my house. I need to think about it seriously. And then the car thing wouldn't stress me out as much.
3. Baseball: I had a good run this year. I have to watch the Braves play, and I will in a couple weeks, and then I will have watched every major league team play this year. Next year, I have to cut down. Getting autographs and meeting the players is fun, but getting attached to them is not. I'm limiting myself next year. I have to.
4. Life: It gets out of control at times, but when I really look at it, my choices have formed a lot of consequences that I don't like to admit. I put myself here. And I can take myself out. I just need to think. And it will all be okay.
That is all. Just wanted to share my thoughts, since a couple of my posts have been a little scary lately. I'll be okay. I will be. Even though this isn't very baseball-y, it's still who I am.
